The Costa Concordia accident was awful on account of the lives lost, but the Costa Allegra incident has managed to molecularly implant in me a whole new type of fear and loathing I will forever link to cruises. I’ve never been on a cruise. Cruises don’t appeal to me, but not because I fear accidents, fires or sinking. It’s because I grew up with the entire run of The Love Boat. My family never missed a single episode, which means I spent more than 200 hours of my life experiencing a TV cruise ship. So it’s no wonder I associate cruises with excruciating boredom and Charo, and it’s not a world I care to revisit. I have friends who rave about cruises they’ve taken. Two of my closest friends go on music and cuisine cruises each year, and they always enjoy themselves. Over the last five years, it seemed as if more people I know were giving cruises a try. I was beginning to believe that cruises had more fun to offer than Captain Stubing and his zany crew. I’m done with that line of reasoning. Thanks to Costa Allegra, now all I can think of is getting trapped on a ship like the Pacific Princess with no electricity. Sharing a ship deck with 600 sweaty B-list celebrities who have no access to plumbing or air conditioning. In 100-degree heat. With nothing safe to eat but packaged junk and rotting fruit. No music, games or entertainment. The broad musical comedy of Charo might be soothing under those conditions. Maybe. The only cruise ship scenario I can imagine that’s worse than The Love Boat drifting for days without electricity is The Love Boat drifting without electricity, WITH zombies. Swimming zombies. — Patty Mahlon, director of digital media